Messes and Incompletes that irritate us, clutter that robs us of the room to breathe and think, these are what I have been dealing with these past two weeks.
I’ve been gradually emptying out my closets of clothes I no longer need, material things that no longer serve me, that I coveted once and splurged on not realizing that I was attempting to fill a void deep within me that would not be satisfied.
Holding on to “stuff” gives us a false sense of abundance. Our craving of physical objects is more often than not a sign of discontent of the soul. Inevitably the hunger for physical pleasures and pursuits is never satisfied because we are in fact empty from the inside.
The cycle is never ending as we try to fill the void by accumulating more and more until it becomes a bottomless pit that never ever gets filled and satisfies only our ego. Unfortunately we live in a world where we are judged by what we own and how we dress and come across. Where greed overpowers need. Where we are measured not by our values but by the quality and quantity of our possessions.
Collecting items merely for the sake of propping up our ego or declaring our status to the world does not serve us as it still leaves us with a feeling of insecurity and of not being good enough. Clearing the clutter is something we are encouraged to do, and even though we go into the process with the best of intentions sometimes it feels so difficult to let go of possessions we have hoarded for years and probably will never use again. Why? Because giving them up will strip us of the identity we have created for ourselves. The one ruled by our ego mind.
So here I am. Determined to make sense of my life. To stop chasing after the illusion that more of the material possessions is going to make me feel better. I know now that the problem has been deeper than that, one that no amount of ‘stuff’ could cure. There is an emptiness, a deep longing and a yearning that cries out to be satisfied. I know it’s only for a time and I’m mindful in my efforts to fill this space with different and better choices. To recognize what will really fill the need of the soul.
Likewise, I’ve been shedding and letting go of toxic relationships; people who have taken different paths and would drag me along if I let them, those that I failed to recognize as “users” and “takers” that I realize now have been holding me back from being the best me that I can possibly be. I’m learning to say “No” to these people. It does not come easily, this word “No!” but like a muscle that needs to be flexed, I’m practicing it a little more each time. And when I have to say “No” to someone I love, it breaks my heart and sends me on a guilt trip from which I have to constantly pull myself out of. Yes, it will take time. But time is all I have and with time I am growing stronger.
I’m also keen on releasing stuck frozen energy that had nowhere to go, old conditioning that does not serve me. So I may create a space, inner space, to move and grow and fill.
Releasing trauma from the body is a journey that must be taken with care and patience. Accepting and dealing with abuse and rejection, loss and betrayal that stayed hidden for decades for fear that it would meet the disapproval and loss of face by those who knew me. All the grief that was silenced all those years, for fear of appearing weak, that had to go underground and shared with no one. Grief that was without space and support, that deemed me powerless and kept me isolated for fear of experiencing and unleashing a depth of feeling that would never be seen as acceptable.
Now I can acknowledge all that and give myself room to grieve. And time to heal. Perhaps if I’m lucky I may even find closure some day.
I’m aware this is a process that may take weeks, months, perhaps even years. But I am patient. Just leaning into it and taking action, as Jack Canfield has taught me, will propel me to achieve my goal, the goal of achieving freedom at last. Freedom from worrying about what others think, freedom from the limiting belief that I am not deserving or good enough, freedom to go after my dreams and fulfill my life purpose. To be, do and have all that I thought was possible for others but never for me.
Now I know differently. I realize that I have been my worst enemy. The words I’ve been saying to myself have been responsible for stalling my own success. But that was then and this is now. Now I have a choice. There is room for new awareness and realization, of what I’m really capable of, what my personal choices are and new perspectives on past events.
It’s time I cleared all. To live more simply and authentically. And above all to win the game of sustaining my inner peace and to rise up and embrace the gifts given me by the Divine.
Life is happening and I want to live each moment immersed in it with peace, joy and contentment. It may seem like a distant dream but as long as I’m moving and taking action I know it will be my reality sooner than I realize.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself”
© Rani St. Pucchi, 2016
For more information on Rani please visit www.ranistpucchi.com