I wasted many years of my life asking myself, ‘How do I get past all the hurt and the trauma, the shame and the blame, forgive all these people who have wronged me, and move forward in life?’ I did a lot of work, attended many seminars, met many spiritual masters, and read and studied almost every self-help book out there.
So much of my energy was leaking away. I was consumed by sadness and sorrow as the feelings of lack and loss overwhelmed me. Holding onto old hurts and reliving past scenarios was draining me.
It wasn’t until I stepped away from the world, shutting myself for months in solitude, away from all the outside noise to write my memoir that the message finally hit home. I was able to reconcile with the fact that everyone did the best that they could, based on where they were at in their level of consciousness.
I was able to feel compassion, to bless them and to forgive them. Forgiveness does not mean that I ignore their wrongdoing nor does it mean that I approve of what they did. It means that I free myself in order to move forward in life. Most importantly I finally learnt to forgive myself and let go of expectations, not only of others but also of myself.
It became clear to me why hurt people hurt people. The reality is as human beings we all have our weaknesses and as long as we’re living in this world, we’re going to be hurt. It is how we move past those hurts, forgive and move forward, that matters.
Forgiveness isn’t just a blessing you deliver to another human being. It’s a gift you give yourself.
Forgiveness is like a muscle that we have to keep growing… It’s a process that can take a lifetime, or it can take mere minutes. All depends on how ready we are.
How can we speed thru this process and forgive?
- 1. Feel the hurt
Contrary to how our society teaches us to ignore our feelings, forgiveness is a process. The more you repress your anger and your hurt, the pain, the shame and the guilt, the more you will project these, because now you have allowed your feelings to fester deep into your subconscious.
You must feel the feeling. Or else you will be stuck in the past because all the pain of the betrayal, all the anger from that person who hurt you that you haven’t forgiven, is still within you. You just ignored it and repressed it. Instead of seeing the world as it is, you go thru life seeing the world as you are, thru a filter that is created by all the pain, the shame, the guilt, and the anger that you have repressed.
And how do you feel the feeling? Write in a journal. Talk about it with a close friend. Go on a solitary walk in the woods and talk it out loud to yourself, or better still scream the energy out of your system!
- 2. Understand the person and the situation
Rather than judging someone as bad, try walking in their shoes to better understand why they did what they did, or behaved the way they did. All human beings behave according to their own personal reality. They have created their own story about you, and are living from their narrative about the way their world is working. If they attacked you, cheated you, abused you, it’s because in their mind they truly believe that you were doing something that deserved them to mistreat you. It might have been a totally false assumption but they reacted based on their best understanding of reality. They were stuck on their assumption, in their core beliefs and in their own pain.
- 3. Communicate your feelings
Communicate with those that need to be forgiven versus condoning their unhealthy behavior. Speak your truth even though you’re upset. Don’t judge them, don’t attack them, but communicate. Tell them how you feel, what you have observed. They may not even understand you, and maybe they’ll feel justified and angry. Perhaps you will come to realize that it is best to walk away from the person. By speaking your truth you are demonstrating self-respect and bravery. Through our words and our communication we teach people how to treat us.
- 4. Live in the Present Moment
Only by releasing the past are you able to move forward and create your future. The present moment is where all the creativity, energy, peak health, exponential productivity and miracles live. It is where you want to be at all times. You never want to live in the past. So many people have repressed past hurts and even though they put up a pleasant and a happy front, if you just scratch the surface you will find pain, rage, shame and guilt. And you will see their sadness. It’s because they did not release all of the sadness from all their hurts and continue to live in their history versus living in the moment.
You see, no matter what you hear, or what others tell you, until you work thru your own stuff and your own message hits home and reaches the innermost core of your being, you will not be able to move forward in life. This is work that only you can do.
You have a choice: either to leave your best creativity, productivity and impact on the table of broken dreams by staying stuck in the past, continuing to stay angry at those who have hurt you and wronged you. Or you can forgive and get busy following your vision and changing the world.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
© Rani St. Pucchi, 2016
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