My Other Passion
It was the same dream, night after night, year after year, for as long as I can remember. I was drowning in the most turbulent waters. It was dark and stormy, and the currents were strong. I could not breathe. I could not swim to save myself. I would wake up drenched in sweat, gasping for breath and utterly exhausted.
My life had been a series of struggles. I was constantly challenged to keep my world together and cohesive. It took several catastrophic events and issues of seismic proportions before I finally understood: that everything that was happening in my life was a message from the Universe, telling me to pay attention, to listen deeply and carefully. All around me people were divorcing me, and doors were closing on the relationships that mattered most. I realized then that some doors that had closed on me a very long time ago would have been best if left shut. God closed those doors in my life for good reasons, but I had insisted on prying them open.
Life was so unpredictable, and my soul was crying to live every moment fully and in peace and harmony. I wanted so much to be happy. I envied people whose lives were filled with joy, with wonderful relationships, and I marveled at the caring and sharing that was second nature to them. I never had that. It felt as if I was just ‘existing’ from day to day. I was tired of constantly “doing”. Could I not just learn to “be”? What was I trying to prove, that I was smart and talented and worthy? In the big scheme of things, did any of this matter? The family that I had been working so hard to keep together was no longer a part of my life. So why was I still putting up with the struggles? Why was I punishing myself, and whom was I trying to please anyway?
This was a wake up call. I knew in that instant, that I needed to stop the struggles for the sake of my own sanity. There was nothing left that I had to prove to the world, no approvals I needed from my family, and especially no one left to please.
And so, the day came when I made a firm decision that I would take a brief sabbatical from my design world, a world that I was so in love with and passionate about. Even if for a short period, just so I could breathe and be still, and connect with the Divine. Perhaps I would receive clear answers.
“My spirit saw how dull and down I was and came and sat laughing on my bed.
Holding my brow, “Sweetheart, I can’t bear to see you like this!” ~ Rumi
The thought of writing my memoir had crossed my mind more times than I can remember, but I continued to ignore the call, knowing that my deepest darkest secrets once revealed, would rock my world by storm.
It was not until I was in Scottsdale, Arizona attending Jack Canfield’s seminar that I received a clear signal from the Divine to move forward with my writing. During one such guided meditation that Jack walked us thru, we were lead to go deep within and connect with our Higher Self, and see our Higher Self hand us a gift that we were encouraged to open. Upon opening this gift I saw a gilded ornate gold box, beautifully carved with the words “Love” and “Joy” all around. I opened the lid, and sitting on beautiful and rich purple velvet I saw a beautiful soft lilac colored book. Inscribed on the cover in rich gold lettering were the words “ Rani’s Memoir”.
I came out of that experience with tears in my eyes. I can say that this was a pivotal moment for me and gave me a clear sense of purpose. It somehow reinforced the idea I had been entertaining in my head of writing my memoir.
“Start a huge, foolish project, like Noah…it makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.” ~ Rumi
Had I not become a fashion designer, I would have been an author. I became a designer by default, having had no formal fashion training except for my love of fashion and an eye for all things beautiful. As an English major, it seemed ironic that God would steer me back in this direction. Perhaps it was my calling, my Dharma. Deep in my heart I knew I had a message to share with the world. And no matter how uncomfortable, how vulnerable I would need to be, it was my duty to help make a difference, regardless of how big or small, in other women’s lives.
“I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think.” ~ Rumi