Be not attached to the beloved

And never with the unbeloved.

Not to meet the beloved is painful

As also to meet with the unbeloved.

~The Buddha’s Words in The Dhammapada

The peace that settled in me felt very foreign at first. It had been aeons since I had experienced this calm. I recalled the last time I felt anything close to this state of mind. Time stood still and I was transported to my distant past…

I was barely eighteen when I was severely beaten, locked up and told that was my punishment until I agreed to marry. Marry any man who would marry me, any man they would choose for me: a narcissist, a fanatic, a pauper — someone, anyone — because that’s all I deserved. That was my penance. Forcefully separated from my first love I was told I would never again be allowed to have any friends, see anyone, speak to anyone. Books, literature, stationary, all were removed, I was not allowed to read anything, write anything…they knew how much I craved knowledge, how much I loved reading, that books were my oxygen.

They moved me from place to place, across oceans and continents, forcing me to sleep in warehouses and in tiny rooms, locked up for fear I would escape. My only companion a prayer book that they threw at me, and told me to study day and night so I would be purged of my ‘sin’. My heart bled, my body ached, my soul cried for freedom. All I could do was surrender myself to God, the Universe. It was during those days that I realized that by myself I controlled nothing. The silence was unbearable at first but soon it became my companion, my best friend. A calm settled over me and I knew that nothing and nobody could rob me of my dignity, my inner sense of self worth. They could abuse my body, they could hurl curses at me, rob me of my freedom, but they could never touch my soul.

But that was then, and this is now. The journey has been long, the road full of bumps and detours. This is a new day, and here I am — although in silence again this is a silence I have sought by choice, in this beautiful sanctuary, a Buddhist monastery, a journey into Vipassana. Experiencing the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding.

I feel lucky and blessed to be surrounded by so much beauty, with monks and like-minded people, giving myself permission to go deep within and face my demons — and hopefully come out the other side with a little more peace and strength to accept what was, to forgive and let go, and possibly reinvent my life.

It’s strange but wonderful that once we detach from the past, the need to please others, the need for permission, we are able to analyze and know what our true dreams are. And then the Universe opens all sorts of doors, and sends everything and everyone we need to realize those dreams. However, this realization comes at a price, and never as quickly as one wishes. I have experienced my darkest hours, treaded thru the Darkest Nights of the Soul and lived so many lives in this one lifetime. Many a time I have wondered what I am living for. It is at this monastery that I have come to find answers to my most pressing life questions, and hopefully regain some of the peace that has eluded me and which I have craved so much and for so long, to delve deep into my soul.

Mindful at all times of my body, my feelings, my mind and my posture while standing, sitting, walking or laying down. Walking steps included acknowledging ‘right’ if I moved to the right, and ‘left’ if I moved to the left. I was taught to observe each and every action I took and especially to pay attention to the rise and fall of the belly while breathing. I came to terms with my likes, dislikes, anxieties and doubts, pleasures and displeasures. With each and every feeling I experienced, I became more present.

The idea was to be in the moment at every moment.

The highlight of the days was the brief interludes with the abbot at 3 pm each afternoon. Pressing questions that needed answers had to wait until I could be in the abbot’s presence. Then I had to force myself to sound intelligent and coherent and not let my tears overwhelm me.

I wondered what would Buddha have to say to the challenges that I faced and continued to face? Surely the abbot would have the answers…

1. How does one control one’s thoughts? It’s difficult to be still and meditate, the monkey mind just does not stop: The abbot replied with humor, “Play with the monkey but don’t let it win!” All experiences are preceded by mind, having mind as their master, created by mind. If you want better experiences you must tame the monkey and show who is the master. Thoughts will come but the idea is not to entertain or dwell on them. Try to empty the mind. When the mind is empty only good thoughts can enter, thus allowing one to live joyfully and in the moment.

2. On attachment, letting go: The abbot quoted from the Dhammapada, “All conditioned things are impermanent. When one sees this with wisdom one turns away from suffering”. Have no expectations of others. Expectations make one suffer.

3. On Betrayal, how to be at peace with the wrong done to you: Here’s what the abbot had to say: Many are doing the best they know how, behaving in the only way they have been conditioned. Culture, society takes precedence in their world, it is the world they live in. It does not matter if they are wrong, they believe they are right, that they are entitled. We cannot control others’ thinking, the actions they take. All we have control over is ourselves.

4. On Reconciliation, how to deal with those that have wronged you. Should one continue to make attempts at reconciliation? The abbot reminds me that man has the ability to make choices. When someone chooses to leave there are two reasons: either they believe what they did was justified therefore they have no desire for reconciliation, or they did something they are not proud of and therefore feel ashamed about and not willing to admit so. Either way, forced reconciliation never works. Only time can heal. Give them time. Give yourself time.

5. On Trust, how can one learn to trust again? The abbot’s advice was: When someone has betrayed, lied, cheated, or stolen from you, all you can do is keep your distance and protect yourself. This does not mean that you must sever all contact or give up on the relationship, it means that you must stay vigilant while at the same time continue to send them loving kindness.

6. On forgiveness, how can one truly forgive another when the wrong done is unbearable? Often we say we have forgiven, but have we really? The abbot said one must continue working on forgiveness. Forgive others, forgive yourself, send love to your being, send loving kindness to others. Thoughts, anger, worry — thinking about what you should, would, could about the wrong done to you — these are just stories in the mind. Remember to empty the mind and focus only on loving kindness.

The solution to all suffering according to Buddha, is very simple. It always is. The past and the future are just illusions — they don’t exist in the present moment. “If you want to know your past, look at what you are today. If you wish to know your future, look at what you do today.” Focus on the present moment. Life can only be found in the present moment.

There were so many more unanswered questions but it was time — time to say goodbye. I had learnt much about myself, about my world, and for that I am eternally grateful. Those ten days taught me about the benefit of solitude, about impermanence, suffering and non-self. I learnt to be more patient with myself, to understand and accept my imperfections, and most of all to forgive everyone, including and especially myself. Can I sustain this? I hope so, but only time will tell. After all, the real practice begins after the practice.

One thing is for sure — I don’t beat myself up as I used to. I have learnt that it is futile to spend my life regretting, of what could or should have been. I would not be the person I am today had I not gone thru all the challenges. In hindsight, I am grateful for all the lessons learned. And for the first time in my life I feel free.

The closing ceremony on the last day was very emotional. Our group proceeded to the temple to offer flowers and incense to the Lord Buddha, and knelt in front of the abbot for prayers and chanting.

The abbot gave his blessings. His closing words to me were: “Let go of desire. To desire happiness is not the way he said. Every time we desire we suffer. Forgive — forgive everyone and release them. Send them loving kindness. Forgive yourself and relieve yourself of any expectations. Send yourself loving kindness. To expect is to suffer, he said. Love yourself unconditionally. Be at peace with the past and live in the present moment.

Gratitude fills my heart. What a gift these ten days were. Time had stood still, the outside world forgotten.

Try it. It’s very freeing…

“In the end, only three things matter:

How much you loved

How gently you lived

And how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

~ Buddha

© Rani St. Pucchi, 2018

Rani St. Pucchi is an award-winning Couture Fashion Designer, a Style & Image Consultant, and a Relationship Expert. She is a Bestselling Author, a Speaker, an Inspirational Coach and a Trainer. Her recent TEDx talk: Is Your Body Image Holding You Back has received worldwide acclaim. Rani’s #1 International Bestselling Books, Your Body, Your Style: Simple Tips on Dressing to Flatter Your Body Type ; The SoulMate Checklist: Keys to Finding Your Perfect Partner; and Your Bridal Style: Everything You Need to Know to Design the Wedding of Your Dreams are available on Amazon and at Barnes & Nobles. Her memoir, Unveiled: A Celebrity Fashion Designer’s Story will be released in 2019.

For more information on Rani please visit www.ranistpucchi.com